These Things Which Have Passed

Okay folks,

I have wanted, seriously wanted, a more public journal for some time now.

Over the years I have had three public Live Journals, but for various personal life drama reasons, I have either deleted them (foolishly) or just ended them and started a new one. This current Live Journal started as an after-thought to recover from some LJ drama. I had hoped this would be a public and professional journal for my Writings, but it did not. Thankfully, it has served for the most part to track my diet and health changes, with minor disruptions to discuss child abuse, sex addiction, theological confusion, and anxiety in general. For the most part, these writings have been "Friends Only," and my public access has been limited.

With the start of the new year, I would like to change this private side of me to some extent.

I have a journal on Blogger that I have been keeping on the side the last 6 months. This Blog contains all of the Diet and Health posts from this LJ. As of today, my intention is to end this LJ, and make that Blog my full time Blogging vehicle. This will of course mean expanding the vision of that Blog somewhat, and a post on that Blog later today will explain where I am going direction-wise, but I think this is long overdue.

The reasons to do this are many.
Outside of the need for more openness and honesty, keeping a more active record of my diet and health, being more focused with a daily journal about my progress and forward momentum is key for me. While LJ is always great for rants and the day-to-day, I need to be more focused as a writer, as a survivor, as someone working hard on being healthy and changing his life. A focused journal is key for this!

So please, join me, as I move forward.

http://thefatmansprogress.blogspot.com

IN THE YEAR 2009!

Were you involved in something you'll never forget?
* Yes, on the negative side, this health crisis is certainly gonna have a lasting impact on me. On the positive side, all I've learned from diet and exercise has really changed me for the better.

Dyed your hair?
* I don't have enough hair left to dye.

Came close to losing your life?
* Learned from the doctor that I could have died 2 weeks ago because I didn't go right to the hospital.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
* I saw VNV Nation this year and they were AMAZING!


Friends and Enemies:

Did you hate anyone?
* I've tried not to, but people who use magick to hurt other people and alter their lives for the worse, aren't very high on my list these days.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
* Only that I lost a friend I was really close to this year for various reasons related to insecurity and misunderstanding, and I wish that sequence of jealousy-related events, never happened.

All about YOU:

Did you change at all this year?
* I lost 110 pounds this year, I got deeper insights into myself as an abuse survivor and recovering addict, I took up the study of Yoga, I had my first ever surgery, I got a bit more cynical towards having close female friendships (and the men they are attached to), and I drew deeper into my life as a writer.

Did you change your style?
* I actually did. Losing all this weight has led to me shedding my Gothic image for a more, dare I say, healthier look.

Were you in school?
* This Fall I studied German.

Did you get good grades?
* I did, but I didn't like the way I was treated by the teacher and dropped out. I should have stayed.

Did you have a job?
* I did and I do. I wish I had a better job, a full time job, but I put together enough adjunct gigs to survive, and I do LOVE teaching.

Did you drive?
* I have not driven a car since 2002, and even then, only for 10 minutes.

Did you own a car?
* Haven't owned a car since 1996.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
* Nope. But the breeders in my Universe sure do seem to be a'breeding these days.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
* I have between 55 and 79 pounds to lose still. I would also like to have the sort of strength and flexibility I see the more experienced Yoga students in my classes have. 2010 will be for accomplishing both of these goals.


Wrap UP:

Was 2009 a good year?
* It was a great year up until 2 weeks ago.

Do you think 2010 will top 2009?
* I think it will. I have lots of goals I am drawing closer toward. I acquired many skills that will empower me to achieve these goals. I just need to get past this health crisis.

IN THE YEAR 2009 I CONFESS THAT I....

Kissed in the snow?
* Nope.

Done something you've regretted?
* I nearly got into a fistfight on Black Friday, in Toys R Us, with some jerk, in front of his kid. I really regret losing my temper that day, being so easy to wanna throw down. I'm working on my anger and my eagerness to fight these days.

Painted a picture?
* Nope. Even though I have a suitcase filled with art supplies.

Wrote a poem?
* I started off the year writing 2 poems, but then, the damage from my MFA program crept back in, and the creative well got all clogged up again.

Ran a mile?
* For the first time since I was 19, I did!

Visited a foreign country?
* Nope....this year I will be in Dresden and Prague for 2 weeks though.

Cut in a line of waiting people?
* That's what started that near brawl at Toys R Us.

Told someone you were busy when you weren't?
* Quite a few times. I am a bit of loner.

Cooked a disastrous meal?
* I made more than a few really bad vegetarian chili this year. I've somehow lost my knack for making chili. I don't know why.


IN 2009 I....

Lied?
* I actually got really good at telling the truth this year, especially with being honest with people about my expectations and limits and what my intentions are.... despite what you may think.

Disappointed someone close?
* On a near daily basis, but that's based on their expectations, which are not necessarily what is best or what is real for me.

Pretended to be happy?
* I'm getting better at actually being happy, something very new for me. However, any time I have to visit family or speak with family, it's an acting job worthy of an academy award.

Slept under the stars?
* No, but my work office is under the stairs on the 3rd floor.

Changed for the better?
* Hell yeah!

Forgot your new years resolution?
* I made my one New Year's Resolution: Lose 100 pounds this year.

Met someone who changed your life?
* My Weight Watchers' leader, Elaine. She, Rocks My Socks!

Changed your outlook on life?
* Far more positive, artistic, and nature-centered than I've ever been.

Sat home all day doing nothing?
* That was pretty much my entire Spring.

Pretended to be sick?
* Nope. I had only one cold all year (March, for 4 days) until my recent and VERY real Health Crisis.

Had way too many days off school?
* Definitely not enough snow days for me.

Kissed more than 10 people?
* I wish! LOL!

Lost something expensive?
* Nope.

Learned something new about yourself?
* I am far stronger than I ever thought, and my mystical faith means far more to me than I ever realized.

Made a change in your life?
* Diet, Yoga, Clothing, Thinking.

Met great people?
* One person.

Stayed up til sunrise?
* The first night I was sick I did.

This is too good, I just had to share it.

From one of the many spam Russian e-Bride offers I get each week.

------


Hello, my dear friend

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.

My dear love, it is so easy a thing for you to lift me to Seventh Heaven! My soul is darker than midnight now and just your pen can say: “Let there be light.” When I read in your looks and words that you love me, I will be the happiest woman on the Earth and I feel it in the deepest part of my Soul.

Au revoir
Natalia K

This is a reminder (and welcome) to those who visit here from time to time, that this is a semi-private journal.

About 95% of what I write and share is private, set at "Friends Only."

The topics I write about are:
Diet & Health: I have lost 106 pounds in the last year
Mysticism: I am a Christian Mystic by nature
Religion: I am a critic and lover of Church History and Theology
Inter-Faith: I believe in a strong Inter-faith dialogue
Writing: I am reinventing my life as a Fiction & NonFiction writer
Literature: I love both the Southern Gothic as well as New England's Dark Romantics
Teaching: I am a professor at one Boston colleges and one university
Animal Rights: I am a vegetarian
Cultural Criticism: I am not a fan of popular culture
Music: I am a fan of Bluegrass, Goth, 80's, and Medieval Church music
Abuse: I am a surviver of child abuse

If you would like to read about my life and goings on, please get a Live Journal account, and then request I accept you as a friend.

You will always be the only one, I ever truly Loved.

 The first part of this is from a note I just wrote. The second part is where my fingers continued to take me.


A Sufi once said to me, "any battle against Love is a losing battle. Ultimately, Love overcomes all things." 


He meant that in the greater sense, but also, he was referring to the continuum of History, that historically, conservative theologies are the losers in history, and given time, we look back on those conservative approaches as the villains of history. The world, Maine, the U.S. in general may not be ready for gay marriage, and it is a great injustice. But one day, the world will look back on those who stand against Gay Marriage (and base this on some sort of Religious criteria) the way we look back and see people who were pro-slavery and used the Bible to justify it. 


This will either be a Call to Action, a life-or-death struggle, for people from a Faith-based tradition, or else, it will be yet one more reason to pick up a Richard Dawkins book and see EXACTLY the kind of thing he is talking about; the dangers of Religion that seemingly blight out the good things which the Religious life can and does offer the world when the Religious life lives its highest ideals and words.


The forces of hatred and injustice and ignorance do not rest. Just because your life moves on, your Ego is satiated, doesn't mean the problems have gone away, that the "enemy" is resting. It is when things seem safest that the most dangerous thief will strike, and what they steal is not so much what is valuable in your purse, but what is most valuable in your heart: your sense that at the end of the day, you are safe in your home, in your own skin. 



In the meantime, I hope this is a call to action: get informed, get involved, and let your voice be heard. Just because 53% of the population can't find their head in a curtained box, doesn't mean that Love or Goodness need to be conceded, doesn't mean that Love and Goodness can't find its head in the daylight. Time to realize that you fight for your political lives every day, not just every four years, not just when you think you have had enough, not when the tables of the hate machine turn against you, but every single day.


Or else, you can move on as the bystanders to the world with which most people are in their day-to-dayness. Go ahead and fight the wars of daily desperation, and resign your world to the dreaded small percentage which can muster successful attacks on the fundamental values of Love and Freedom; sooner or later, they will come for you as well.


And for my Religious friends I offer: in all my study of Christianity I have learned that, Jesus would not wake up today and think that the battle was lost. He would wake up today and start overturning a few tables in the Temple, he would let the Sadducees and Scribes and Pharisees of his day know EXACTLY what the difference was between the letter of the Law, and the infinite Love of an all-Loving God was, and if you wanted blood in payment for the tiny minds and tiny hearts of this day, he would have a lot of blood to shed.

 This journal is officially closed as of today.

"It's a world gone crazy that keeps a woman in chains."
--Tears For Fears

Here

 Greetings Friends and Stalkers!

So, on Saturday, October 17th, 2009, on what was my 10th Month of changing my relationship to food and exercise, my weight reached 272 pounds. This means, drum roll please, that I have now lost 100 pounds.

10 Months=100 pounds! Rock On!

I celebrated a little early last week with a trip to Salem. I was only a quarter pound away last week, and oddly enough, I had to work hard to make up for the monstrous celebration of last week in order to still make my weigh-in this week. 

I also began the massive re-clothing project and image update that is the Dar work-in-progress. I bought (my first in 9 years) a pair of size 42-32 LL Bean pants. I bought 2 T-shirts, 2 long-sleeve shirts, and 1 Flannel shirt, a flannel-lined Barn jacket. All from LL Bean, all size Large. I am on the cusp of a size Large starting to fit me and I am no longer buying any size 2X at all, nor do I feel I have to buy any more size XL for this winter. By Yule, everything that is size L will fit me well, and there is no going backwards for me right now, or ever again. The closer I get to the 250's, the closer I will get to a size L fitting me for a while, so I am investing in that size exclusively for the next 9 months.

From what I recall, back in my Martial arts days, because of my frame and muscle-tone, I will be in a size Large from 264 pounds through 210 pounds, as far as shirts, jackets, belts, goes. As for pants, I will be a size 42 until I hit 260 pounds, where I magically become a size 40 waist, but again, because of my frame, I will be there until I hit 210 pounds.

So, how goes the diet and exercise these days? Pretty good, some tough work, some issues, but otherwise, not bad.
My current struggles and issues are:
* I am down to 39 daily points on Weight Watchers. Granted, that is a lot more than Sprinkles' (my wife) 28 daily points, but so much of what made this eating change so easy for me is that for a long while I had 44 points, and that was too much food to eat. These days, I have to plan more and more on how much I eat and when, and that is kinda rough. And to think that at 36 points I plateau out. The idea of eating only 36 points each day, kinda scares me. Granted, I get Free Points each week, and possibly Activity Points if I had to dip into them, but still, I get less points than before.
* I am losing slower lately than I was before. For a while I was averaging about 12 pounds a month and lately I am down to 6-8 pounds a month, which seems so little for all my hard work. BUT, in six months time, if I keep losing at this pace, I will be, that really adds up. I do kinda feel that soon I am just gonna hit a whole new stride and things may pick up a little, but we'll see.
* October is a shitty month to eat less food. This is my fav month with my fav holiday, and all the foods of this season are my fav foods. Last year at this time I would be eating HUGE piles of donuts and chips with dip and drinking lots of cider and hot chocolate and consuming homemade stuffed bread and apple pies and pots of Italian sauces with stuffed meats, and now, I count and manage EVERYTHING I eat and have to pass on some things I really crave. A caramel covered apple with peanuts takes up 17 points! So, I am finding this month VERY hard to change my eating pattern in, and for as much as I Love October, I am hoping it passes quickly so that my cravings for Halloween Candy and sprinkled donuts will pass. 
* Strange pimples come when a new area begins to slim down. Ick!
* With the cold weather, I just want to stay inside and watch movies and snack on Chinese food with my kats, but of course I can't eat Chinese food (point-for-point it is the most fattening food there is), and I need to go to the gym, and that seems to be taking extra energy to accomplish these days. This week I only went to the gym once, walked one day, and the rest I just rested on. This week I need 4 strong work out days.
* Life changes have been tough on me lately. I think that changing your eating and exercising are hard enough, but there have been so many changes in my life the last few months (with more on their way) that the psychological work needed to deal with them, sort of compounds upon the cognitive work I am doing on my lifestyle as well. It's a lot of apples in my basket is what I am trying to say.

On the positive side of things, here is a list of good things going for me:

* I now can run for 10 minutes straight on the treadmill.
* When I am at the gym, I am burning 1000 calories per hour on the treadmill, or, 10000 strides on the elliptical in an hour. So I am doing some great work in the gym.
* My waist-line is now a size 42, which means I have gone down 18 sizes in 10 months.
* I have not had the October cold this year, and I suspect it is because I am in better health this year.
* My body is so much stronger these days, my weight-lifting totals have now doubled, and my muscles are getting bigger and stronger, capable of more and more exertion and power and stamina.
* Shopping at a normal clothing store and buying normal-sized clothing, changing my look completely, feels wonderful.

So, all goes well on the diet and exercise front. I will update more soon. Pics and video will probably be up on my Facebook soon.
For those of you who are friend-listed here, there will probably be a friends-only posting in the near future, after I am done with my marathon session of final paper grading from my Biblical Literature students.

Time to go and start making some broccoli and whole wheat pasta for dinner.
Remember, you can change anything and accomplish anything that you set your mind and heart to. Change one thing, and you change everything.

Talk to you soon!

Sins--
D.

 

The body is an amazing machine. A lot of my diet and health and exercise work these days involves noticing the complexity of watching my body react and shift and change based on all the work I am doing.

For example, some days, try as hard as I may, I cannot get my heart to go into Cardio heart rate while on the elliptical. My legs and arms will give out long before my heart rate ever gets beyond 129 bpm. BUT, somedays, 3 minutes into my Cardio, my heart races ahead to 158-161 bpm (which peak heartrate for me), and then settles down into 145-148 bpm, which is high cardio, and stays there comfortably for the next hour. I cannot see any outside connections to this phenomena other then that the body must do what it needs to do in its own time.

Another example is that some weeks, I will stay on plan, get 50 points of activity (that's about 13 hours worth of cardio), use no Free Points during the week, and I will lose .8 of a pound. Some weeks, I will get 24 points of activity, use half of my free points, and lose 3.2 pounds for the week. My average is 1.8 a week right now. But some weeks my body responds great to lots of exercise and less food, other weeks it rejects the idea entirely and shows little progress.
 
Some days I awake up and I am suddenly bloated, other days I awake, feel my body re-align itself and I have mysteriously lost a clothing size.

Some weeks I can eat all the pasta and soy ice cream I want and lose a lot of weight, some weeks it is the oppositte.

Some days I wake up and have very clear skin, other days, I have the complexion of a tree frog.

Some days I can double the amount of weight I am lifting, other days, I can barely do my minimum routine.

Yesterday I worked out so hard, that my left eye stopped working for 3 minutes after my workout, so hard that my heart rate would not come down for nearly 2 hours afterwards, nothing seemed to work to change these things.

The thing about getting in shape is that it isn't an exact science. Sure, calories in vs calories out helps, and cardio exercise combined with strength-training is crucial, and a strong mental focus is key, but for the most part, the scale, your favorite jeans, they don't know how hard you are working out, all the great fried foods you are going without, and they will respond as they choose to, as they need to, in their time. This is one of the factors that makes dieting so damn hard, because you are constantly playing a game of "Chi Sau" (Chinese martial arts drills meant to sense the balance or imbalance of an opponent) with your body, sensing and listening to what it needs or wants from you, and then fine-tuning your relationship each and every day.

Today I woke up, and heard my body screaming to not exercise. In the last 10 days I have been to the gym 8 days, 5 of the last 6 days recently, and my body just said to me, "Look, I ache, I hurt, you doubled the resistance and elevation on the Elliptical yesterday, and then you took an hour walk in the evening, and if you continue like this, I will shut this show down." So, I thought about my schedule for the next few days, and decided that I could take today off. I felt guilty about this until I went to my closet and pulled out a pair of pants that I bought a month ago with the goal of eventually fitting into them, and they fit me perfectly, with a little room to spare.

This is a very strange machine.

 I am soooooooooo on board with this woman!
Long live the revolution!

 

 Some random observations from my world of weight loss.

1. My intense observations of people really dominates much of my gym-think. I can't help but watch people, observe, and then try to build characters out of the people in my gym. Some general observations I have made are:
--if you are a short man you will lift heavy weights, 4 or 5 times, then sit around for 10 minutes doing nothing, spend most of the gym session staring in the mirrors and flexing your arms, and looking around the room to see if everyone else can tell that you can lift a large amount of weight for your size, and yet you never work up a sweat, don't accomplish all that much, but working your short man's Ego.
--if you are a medium height and build man, you tend to do a lot of circuit training. 2 minutes of lifting, 5 minutes on the treadmill, 2 minutes of lifting, sprints, 2 more minutes of lifting, 10 minutes of yoga, 10 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes of boxing, 2 minutes of lifting, sauna, shower...etc, going from one thing to the next, never staying too long anywhere. They tend to be in the best over-all shape in the gym of the men, but it also appears they are athletes outside of the gym and are training for something else while there.
-- if you are a tall guy like me, you tend to pick 1 or 2 things and then do them for 45-90 minutes each at a time. You do long drives of varying intensity, and leave the gym drenched and shaking at the end. You tend to not lift weights often, nor lift all that much weight when you do.

--if you are a tall woman you are the Big Foot of the gym, meaning that I know you exist, but I never see you. If a tall woman walks into the gym  they tend to go right into the spin room and then into the saunas and then leave. There are almost NO tall women in my gym.
--if you are a medium height woman (from five foot six to five foot nine) you work out like tall men do, long training sessions on 1 or 2 machines, distance and time and sweat far more important than anything else. You are also more likely to be in the Yoga classes than anyone else.
-- if you are a short woman you tend to work out for high-intensity. You set the elliptical or the treadmill for the highest settings of height and resistance and speed and then go from the elliptical to the bike to the treadmill for 10-minute power sessions of high intensity. You also like hanging with the short guys by the free weights but unlike them, you actually use the weights. You will also do Russian Kettle Ball workouts and use the Boxing gym, while the other women will not.

--if you are a morbidly obese man you tend to do everything while there, half-assed. 5 minutes or less, low intensity and low speed, heavy weights with little exertion, wearing last nights drinking shirt, and sneak out of the door once you your cell phone starts to ring, looking as if you just worked out for 10 hours, with your wet T-shirt.
--if you are a morbidly obese woman you tend to get on the stationary bikes with the latest "Fitness" magazine or whatever Twilight book you are reading, and constantly stop peddling, forgetting to move your legs, once you hit a good part in your reading, working up a minor sweat. If you catch someone making eye-contact with you, you quickly get up, go shower, and leave.

--if you're an Asian man you love to walk around in hand wraps or lifting gloves, work with the free weights, and slam the weights on the ground after your lift (no matter how many times the trainers yell at you for doing so), grunting and making LOTS of noise when lifting, after lifting, and in the changing rooms later on.

--if you're an Asian women, you tend to grunt and wince a lot while working out on the Ellipticals. All the men love when you do this and we even compare notes on it in the changing room. Keep up the good work!

2. My current gym routine looks like this:
Sun: Off, Football is on, no gym in the Fall-Winter.
Mon: 25 minutes treadmill (4 mph); 30 minutes of lifting (8 machines); 60 minutes on the elliptical (9000 strides)
Tues: 70 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes of Boxing (heavy bag)
Wed: 25 minutes treadmill (4 mph); 30 minutes of lifting (8 machines); 60 minutes on the elliptical (9000 strides)
Thur: 60 minutes on the elliptical.
Fri: 120 minutes of walking around Boston or Salem, no gym.
Sat: 70 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes of Boxing (heavy bag)

Note that each day starts off with 30 minutes of Taoist Yoga in my living room.

3. I have only one complaint about my gym and that is that one of the trainers has all the signs of an early eating problem and I find it a bit distracting.

He is medium height, clearly very strong, but is just starting to get "chunky," to get "moobs," and he pretty much spends the entire morning at the gym eating JUNK food. One of those guys who has been strong and athletic and in-shape for his whole life so he has always eaten whatever he wanted before, but now, in his late 20's/early 30's (and this happened to me) that eating is catching up with him. What is distracting for me is, and picture this: I'm in the 45th minute on the elliptical, drenched in sweat, my brain is screaming to "STOP!", I am trying to summon the strength to keep pushing onward, and then some guy, 30 feet from me, walks in the door with an extra large Dunken Donuts iced mocha drink, a GIANT crossandwhich with bacon, eggs, and cheese, and after he eats it, he eats ANOTHER (he also does this with double quater pounder burgers and bags of fries), and man is it hard being a recovering food addict and having to see someone binge eat on the food I gave up, so that I could come here, and get healthy again. I don't wish him harm or anything, but if he had a stroke mid-bite through his fifth Boston Cream Pie donut, it wouldn't phase me one bit.

4. My bad weigh-in food (the food that messes with my weigh-in the most) has officially been determined: diet soda. With nearly 9 months of doing this lifestyle change now, the only consistent with a lack luster weigh-in for me is diet soda. My body retains water like crazy when I drink diet sodas, and even if I have had a perfect eating and exercise week, if I have had 2 or more diet sodas, especially close to my weigh-in,  I will lose like .6-.8 pounds for the weigh-in, the next day (sans soda) I will be down 2-3 pounds. I am off giving soda of all kind, the boot from my life.

5. Next week is my 9-Month weigh-in. I have lost 93.6 pounds so far, and it would be great if next week I could see 95 pounds total loss, which would also be 25% of my starting body weight lost. Even better and I really hope this happens, is that I would like to be at 100 pounds lost for my 10 month weigh-in. HItting some bigger goals cannot come soon enough for me.

6. In case you are wondering, my size XL clothes are working out wonderfully.

7. My best "unexpected gym assistant" these days is "Bodyglide." The wife got it for me back when I first started walking, to ease the rubbing and rashes on my knees and thighs from all the miles I was doing. Now, with the knees and thighs not having these problems these days, my biggest problem is friction from my T-shirt waving back and forth across my chest, friction burning my pectoral muscles. Bodyglide eases and heals the friction of all body parts, a fat man's best friend at times like this.

8. I have had a few scary moments as of late in gym, but I think they are actually signs of progress. Last Saturday, after my workout, my body went into shock, and also this week, Wednesday and Today, I became nauseous after my workout. I consulted a doctor who told me that these are actually good signs, hitting "sweet spots" in the brain that haven't been accessed in a long time. Sometimes when you are really pushing, getting stronger and healthier, the body's reaction to not being healthy is to do some massive housecleaning, to make room for a healthier you. Still, a little bit of a pain in the ass.

Also, last Monday and this Thursday, I could not get my heart rate to go into "Cardio," only into "Fat Burn," no matter how hard I pushed myself or stepped up my difficulty level. I think it is interesting to watch my heart also play something similar to the game my brain and lungs are playing. My heart rate has already amazingly improved, as has my lung capacity and over-all strength. It is a strange process really, not a science in any way, the body really speaks to me  and learning how to listen to it and respond to it and push it or take care of when needed. So much of me is still a Martial Artist and  a Fighter inside, but I also think that I now have the balancing factor of life's wisdom to know what my body is trying to tell me. Still, the journey of it all, I find it so very fascinating.

Okay, that is all for today, as far as diet updates go.

Stay out of trouble.

Be good to yourself.

Endeavor to Persevere.

 Today, I decided to do an early weigh-in (one day early to be precise).

The wife is going away this weekend, so I thought it would be good for me to just have the next 2 days in front of me uninterrupted.

I also woke up a "bit" drained of VLF (Vital Life Force--I swear teaching makes me burn my energy pools like crazy, and with no one to feed off these day, I don't restore al that quickly), and tired from intense workouts the last five days, so a day off from the gym was not a bad day either.

Well, obviously, the grueling workouts at the gym are paying off: I lost another 3 pounds this week!
That makes 92.6 pounds total in eight months and two weeks.
Today I wore a black XL shirt and the thing floated over my body. It was an amazing feeling.

I was so excited about this week's weight loss that I went out and got a Bahn Mi sandwich (it's a Vietnamese sandwich, get it vegetarian and it is 9 points on Weight Watchers). The wife and I ate them in Chinatown, hanging out with one-legged pigeons, by the Chinatown public garden. After which, we walked down to the water front and had a nice time. Of course I still ended up walking a TON today, like 2 hours worth, but it was nothing compared to what I am doing in the gym these days.

The other thing I did today was that I bought a pair of 10 ounce bag (for Boxing) gloves. My gym has a boxing room, and part of why I joined this gym is to get my fighting form back as my body and health improves. (and once I get below 240 pounds, my gym also has Jujitsu lessons 3 days a week, so I will be doing that as well). I didn't plan on buying the gloves for another month or two, so this was an early gift (from the wife), and I think I will get in at least one Heavy Bag workout this week.

Afterwards, we went grocery shopping for the week. At one point during our grocery shopping we stopped and laughed at our cart filled with vegetables and fruits and whole grains and beans: I said, "Who would have ever thought that at this time in the year I would have a cart filled with healthy food and no junk?!" It was one of those moments when you just realize that the new patterns in the diet, the cognitive work, is taking over. When, where you once filled your cart with coffee cakes, Doritos, soda, and pre-packaged fried foods, you see that spot over-flowing with heads of cabbage, bags of carrots, cilantro, watercress, and packages of Tofu, and you are salivating just thinking about the Vietnamese Cabbage Salad you are going to make tonight, not mourning the crap you "don't" eat anymore,  you know you have made some serious progress.

My tip/trick of the week, this week, was that, when I return from my workouts, I am usually thirsty and starving. So, I have been baking 5 pounds of Tofu each Sunday (which, bakes down to about 4 pounds), filling a plastic container with them, and then I eat 2 ounces as soon as I come through the door, and usually another 2 ounces as a late afternoon snack. It has made a WORLD of difference to have a health, baked, vegetarian, protein source always ready at hand. I highly advise this for your own goals and progress. 


So, this week looks like a Friday to Friday week again. I am gonna weigh in next Friday (my usual day is Saturday) in the morning again, to prepare for my friend Mark (from Vermont College) who is coming into town for Friday. We are gonna do all sorts of writer things (eat lunch in the house Hawthorne was married in, hang out at the Athenaeum, etc.), but then get a nice dinner in the North End, seeing that he is a fellow pisano as well. It is kinda crucial to weigh-in before such a meal, lest the bloating of such heavy foods (and believe me, I wont be eating like I used to) combat mentally (the scale doesn't know how hard you work out all week, nor how good you've been for six of your last seven days), my progress for the week. I think when you weigh-in once a week, and you work so hard, and then you weigh-in and the scale says you lost nothing, but then your realize that you ate a ton of salty (but low cal) foods the day before, so you are experiencing bloat on the scale, and in 6 hours you will pee it all out and have a solid weight loss, but you still feel like a fat slug, that sort of mental construct is worth avoiding.

This coming week is also the onset of Football, and as you know, my wife is from the Mid-West, so Football around this apartment is like a Religion. College Football started yesterday (but this is a Notre Dame household, so really it starts tomorrow), and the pro Football starts on Thursday and Sunday. I am already prepared with popcorn for air-popped popcorn, bags of grapes and carrots, and squares of 80% dark chocolate (all within reason, mind you), to overcome the bags and bags of Doritos and Chips and Hershey candies I used to eat all day long on Sundays. We are even planning on making a Tofurky each Sunday, so that dinner still feels like we are having a roast, only this time, cruelty free and low on cals.

As long as I stay on track with my eating and my intense workouts, I should be making my goals as planned this Autumn (knock on wood).

Oh! And I would be wrong if I did not mention that the wife lost 3.6 pounds this week! She is just under 55 pounds lost! I have to say that for all my progress, her progress amazes me more. She is shorter and has no background in athletics like I do, and she only gets to eat half of what I do each day (when she used to eat close to what I ate each day), and she is still kicking ass, taking responsibility for her eating, going to 5-6 Yoga classes a week, and redefining herself on a consistent basis. She has my ultimate admiration and respect for the progress she has made and will continue to make.

Oh! I just made plans to go back to Vermont, to my writing program (Vermont College of Fine Arts, where my MFA is from), for a 3 day writer's retreat, the first weekend in October. There are events on the Friday, but the Thursday night and all day Saturday, I am just gonna be in retreat mode, before coming home on Sunday. (Anyone else going?)
How great it will be to go there, weighing, potentially, less than a 100 pounds from when I was last there?


Okay folks, I think that is a good update for now. Expect more updates on Football, Fall eating memories, and continued success.

"Do not put off 'til tomorrow,
what today can achieve.
Unto thee I grant!"
--from the Fama Fraternitatis

A reply to a friend who commented on my last post. Thought it was worth sharing to everyone......

 Oddly enough, I would say that I journal less than ever before. What has filled in that gap, however, is having more and more of a "life."

One of the things that an eating addiction, or any kind of addiction for that matter, covers up for, is not having a life. I took the time I used to think about food and put it back into my love of music, back into painting, back into exercise, back into going to concerts and museums and events. I had a date, several dates actually, each day with food, and now I have limited those dates with food to very infrequent occasions.

I guess in some ways, the eating addiction was a symptom for other things, in my situation, how absolutely MISERABLE I was in Religious Studies. The frustration of dealing with bigots, hate-mongers, closed-minded people, hypocrites (the biggest hypocrites in the WORLD) was nearly unbearable, and while I LOVED the material I was reading, the Wonder and Mystery I drew from that material was rapidly dying within me. I think what this lifechange represents in many ways is the process of reclamation, reclaiming myself and being more and more, each day, the person I know myself to be. I think that reclaiming my Gothy-Vampiric-Romanticism-Artistic-Occultness has been central to succeeding in this change. My eating covered up for my closeted behavior, for my not being who I needed to be, who I am.

Obesity, addiction of all sorts, is a form of compensation, a compensation that attempts to kill the True Self because the inauthentic Self is so repulsive to who you truly are, it must kill off the memory of your authenticity. The existential aside, one of my biggest changes is that I created an environment for myself which is free of food as a social activity. I don't go to sports bars anymore, if a friend or family member wants time with me and I know that time revolves around abusive eating, I wont go. I would rather go for a long walk alone than to go to a BarBQ wih great friends. You wouldn't invite a recovering alcoholic to a Keg Party, or a recovering Heroin addict to a Crack den, why do people think that eating addiction people can just get over it? This takes real work, it is very hard, and you need an environment that is as supportive of your sobriety as possible. If it means you become less social, so be it, you are fighting for your life after all.

Of course, in your case, I would recommend giving up the diet soda, there are so many studies that link the ingredients in diet soda to binge eating. If you don't know what each ingredient is something you eat or drink, you probably don't want to be eating or drinking it.

My other big advice and insight, is that ultimately, this is about being responsible to yourself. I wasn't very responsible to myself before, either health or psychologically or artistically in the last 7 years. I could have cared less if I were happy or healthy or making real progress with my life. In some ways, I think, this level of addiction (8000-10,000 calories a day) was a desperate cry for help, but also a desperate attempt to die, quickly. It takes real responsibility and commitment to yourself to change who you are. You must be loyal to yourself (what Nietzsche means when he says, "You need to be loyal to the Earth!").

Must be committed to yourself. Must be willing to let the inauthentic life burn away, piece by piece, let the pieces that can burn now, burn, and keep making plans to discard and destroy what can't go now now but still needs to in the future. These changes begin, in a very Taoist sense, with one small step, making 10 steps, a 100, a 1000, a Million.

The present is our only opportunity for power.
This life is not a dress rehearsal.
Do not put off to tomorrow, what progress you could make today.

The responsibility aspect of this is essential.

My Keys of responsibility have been:
* You have to have a plan (meetings help) that empowers you to be responsible to your eating and your life.
* You have to get 5 hours of exercise a week (at least) at a moderate pace
* You have to eat healthy, smaller portions, and more frequently
* You have to do the cognitive work to change the plasticity of your brain, create new patterns of response
* You have to be willing to let go of the things that make you an addict, and to build opportunities in your life that will make you a God(dess)
* Positive thinking = Positive results. You must be willing to think through the situation, the moment, and focus on what your intentionality needs to empower your Will to do (nothing tastes as good as fitting into normal-sized clothes--especially crushed black velvet- feels).

What I find is that as I gain more and more of my life back from eating, from sadness, from abuse, from the inauthentic life I created, the joy of being healthy and alive and in control of my life and passions (being PASSIONATE about your day is so freaking important!), that fills in the places where the despair of eating once ruled, that brings light into the dark corners of the soul. In all things, be good to yourself, you deserve it.

I hope this helps.

 So, in an attempt to save this LJ, I have decided to change it to a new format and topic.

My writings will still see their new home on my Blogger page (still in progress). Once the new Blog is really up and running I will let you all know (privately) and then link that Blog to your LJ pages so that we can stay in touch.

But this LJ will get a new look and a massive overhaul, and become the home of my on-line weight-loss and diet progress. The following changes will occur:
1) I will be making this a public blog once again
2) I will be going through the last nine months of entries, editing out anything unrelated to my diet and health, and making those entries public
3) I will have a weekly (or more if possible) update on my diet and health progress

So, no better time than the place to get started.

September is here and we are having some really amazing Fall-like weather, which of course is raising serious old eating habits for me, or at least, the urge to want to eat like I used to. My old habit is that Fall meant donuts on Sunday and Monday, it meant bags of autumn-colored Hershey candies, Halloween candies of all kinds, and the start of a real increase in how much Baked goods I ate. The good news is that I am aware of these urges, am on top of them, and have not given into them. I continue onward strongly with my diet and health progress. I survived Summer's urges for fried food, I can survive Fall's urgings for donuts and baked goods.

The progress I have made since I last wrote is that, as of my last weigh-in, I am now 288.6 pounds. This means that I have lost 89.8 pounds total since January 18th, 2009. Pretty good!

My original goal was to be at 282 pounds by Summer's end, which would be 25% off of my starting weight, but at least I came close. Summer ended up being really hard to lose weight quickly in, mostly do to lots of nights without sleep, my wedding anniversary and visit to New Haven happening back to back (I lost only 1 pound those two weeks, which is actually progress in many ways. Any idea how much food I used to eat when I went to New Haven to visit my family, or how much fat and cals is in a frozen wedding cake top?). I am optimistic that with Fall here, as I develop a regular schedule for the next 4 months, I can find a rhythm to really push forward.. I tend to lose more weight in weeks that are more consistent and normal, than in weeks when I travel and/or hang out.

Oh, if you are wondering, the wife is doing wonderful. She has lost 51.5 pounds so far, and is doing Yoga 6 times a week. I wont tell you her current weight (she asked me not to), but I can tell you that she is now only 80 pounds away from her goal weight.

So, where does this put me?
Well,
1) In another.2 pound I will hit 90 pounds lost.
2) in another 6 pounds I will have lost 25% of my starting body weight
3) in another 10.4 pounds I will have lost 100 pounds
These are the major goals that I am focused on in front of me at this time. That 100 pound loss is especially important to me.

OH! Did I happen to mention that as of this week I am now 100 pounds away from goal weight? Freaking cool to be under the 100+ mark.

So, two other major changes to my current diet these days.

First, as you may (or may not) know, I am doing Weight Watchers as my method of lifestyle change. WW is based on a point system, with foods getting assigned a certain amount of points based on Calories-Fat-Fiber. It is pretty much a way to make sure you are eating Low Fat, High Fiber, and the right amount of Cals for your age, gender, and lifestyle. Well, for a LONG time I was at the maximum amount of points allowed, 44. You get a maximum point allowance oer day, and then you also get 35 free points per week (that total never never changes) to use (or not use, I never use more than 15 of them), and if you exercise a lot you can earn points through exercise and use those, but I never use them either.

Anyway, the last 40 pounds I have started to hit the place in my eating where I will be losing 1 point every 10 pounds I lose, down to 36 pounds, which is the lowest a man of my age and height can go. So I must say, that now that I am down to only 40 points per day (what will I do in another 40 pounds?) I am finding some days  harder than others to stay in control. I have not lost control nor broken my diet, but still, the fact that I eat 4 less points per day is definitely noticed. It really means I have to plan ahead when I think my day out, and start to be careful with how I structure out my snacks during the day. No more blowing 6 points on an ounce of Cashews, now, I am better off having 8 ounces of grapes for 2.5 points. I guess this is about learning to eat healthier food and healthier portions, so this is a good thing.

The second thing, is that I joined a gym 3 weeks ago. My gym workouts have been outstanding. My trainer is stunned with my progress and I am starting to gain the respect of the MMA guys in the gym. Today, one of them was watching me on the elliptical machine and was just nodding his head and saying, "Well Done" as I was going at.

My current workout schedule is that everyday I do 30-45 minutes of Taoist martial arts upon waking up. Then I eat a high protein breakfast, head to the gym. At the gym, Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I do the following workout:
20 minutes on the treadmill at moderate intensity
30 minutes of lifting
50 minutes on the elliptical at high intensity
Tuesday and Thursday, I omit the lifting portion.
Saturday I walk 5 miles around Boston, kind of a casual day.
Sunday is my off day, I stay home all day.

The progress I have seen is already rather dramatic. On my first day with the trainer, I could only survive 5 minutes on the elliptical at a low intensity, now, I take that machine on everyday and kick its butt. Also, the amount of weight I am lifting is slowly starting to increase. I think the big change though is that when I started, I get my heart at cardio in a few minutes, with little difficulty, now, it is getting harder and harder to get there, I have to really push myself hard to get there, and keep pushing it. My heart is already getting more resilient and healthier, and that really matters to me. It wont be long until my weight is low enough, and my body is strong enough, where I can get back into doing Jujitsu and again, and not feel like I am being held back from getting good at it because of my weight.

Okay.....ummmmm......two more things of interest.

First, I now have 9 months of being a vegetarian. My body has made the transition, it feels great, and I am proud of myself for getting to this point for the second time in my life.

Secondly, I had Round Two of new clothes buying last week. In June, I got rid of all my 4X and most of my 3X clothes. Last week, I got rid of all lingering 3X clothes and ALL of my 2X clothes. I then went into storage and took out all the cool XL T'shirts, and Long-sleeved shirts I bought at Goth shows over the last five years (hoping one day they would fit me), and then went out shopping and bought an all new Black and dark Grey wardrobe, total Corporate Goth look. I figure that from here until the Spring, my body will be going through a size XL into an L, so the clothes I bought last week will get me through the Winter before they are too big. Right now, a size XL is my true fit, it could stand to get a little bit looser, but it fits. In another month, it will fit amazingly. I must say, I look wonderful in my all new, much thinner Gothy clothes. I feel like I am 20 all over again!

Where do I see myself going in the next 4 months?
I would like to reach 255 pounds by Christmas. Not sure if that is possible, but that is my dream goal. If I make it to the low 260's, I will be happy, not thrilled, but happy. By the time I leave for Pennsylvania in May 2010, I want to be 220 pounds. So, losing 30 pounds every 4.5 months is the path I think I can run the next year. I am keeping in mind that Christmas week will be a lost week (I'll be in Ohio), Halloween week will be a lost week (it is my Holy week), and in January I turn 40, and that week I am taking off as well. I am not gonna eat like a mad person, mind you, but I am gonna have some festiveness during those weeks, like a normal person (and this lifestyle change is about eating like a normal person). But I also think, as my exercise intensifies, (once I hit 230 pounds I am going back to full time Martial Arts training) as elliptical turns into running 10K and Half-Marathons in the Spring, as my body continues to tone up, strengthen, get stronger in every way, I think I will hit some weeks of accelerated weight loss.

Okay, time to head out for the night.

Be good to each other, but especially, to yourselves!

 Here are some recent fragments from e-mails I have had on the subject of my diet and health.
-----------------

I fit into size XL clothes today for the first time in 9 years. I cannot wait for my Saturday weigh-in!

----------

Here is my current workout at the gym.
I'll modify it every 2 weeks to increase intensity and to reflect improved health and strength.

(keep in mind I walk 10 minutes back and forth from the gym as well)

20 minutes Treadmill (intensity between 3.5-4 mph)
35 minutes Weight Training (I do 8 different machines, 10 reps, 3 sets, at my mid-strength level)
10 minutes Elliptical (this is the hardest machine for me and I really have to work up to it)
45 minutes Treadmill (intensity between 3.5-4 mph, incline at 2)

According to the machines, I am burning 840 calories in cardio, probably another 150 in weights.

----------
Yes, there are people out there who think they can eat Fastfood, eat garbage, and just exercise it away, or just configure it into their week and somehow mystically change it all up into burnt calories. I have very little tolerance I find for people who don't want to take their weight-loss seriously, even WW meetings at times piss me off when I have to sit through an hour of people's excuses.

-----------
Whenever someone asks me about WW this is what I tell them:
1) It works! I'm proof of it. But if you don't follow the program, don't be surprised if it doesn't work.
2) Go to the meetings! The meetings are where all the cognitive stuff goes on, where you really drill home how important it is to work on yourself week by week.
3) Don't touch your activity points. I know they say you can, but if you want to really shred some pounds, I advise using no more than half your free points (and only then when you really need to) and not using any activity points. 
4) I also don't eat animal flesh, so I think that helps me tremendously in my efforts on learning how to eat healthy.
5) Keep experimenting with new foods and new ideas, do not let your eating and life change become stale.
6) Be gentle on yourself.

----------------

Hey You! Great Reply! I gained my 180 pounds between 2000-2008, the result of a bad break up in 2000 and my years at Grad School (where food quickly became the comfort for the stresses of school and the heartbreak I wasn't dealing well with for several years). Your exercise right now sounds wonderful I didn't exercise my first 3 months on WW, maybe about 1 hour a week of walking at most. Getting my eating under control was the first priority, if I couldn't do that then I didn't see the point of returning to exercise. Then as I have lost weight I have kicked up the exercise little by little (2 miles, 3 miles, 5 miles, 7 miles, 10 miles of walking per day, recently joining a gym and really going at it for 2 hours straight). I was very worried about injuring myself at the start, of getting hurt during the week, so the pacing and gentle pushing was key. My food of choice has always been pasta with lots of sauce and meats and cheeses. I could easily eat 2 pounds of pasta and think nothing of it, let alone all the stuff I put on top of it. My big challenge was to switch from white pasta to wheat pasta (I have white pasta once a month), take all the meat and cheese out of it (I use Veggie Cheese and Soy-based meats within limits), and now I eat 7 ounces at a time for a meal. I think that once you identify the things that you love to eat the most, the next step is to see if you can both create health substitutes for them, and also how much you can shrink the portions to still suit you. Are you using the on-line tools to count points? If not I highly recommend it. The recipe creation is especially important for me because I pretty much cook everyday. I gave up fastfoods, Wendy's was my big one, and I have a GREAT wings and fries place right next store to me and I am friends with their owner, so leaving that behind was tough. One of my biggest finds in changing my eating was Japanese and Vietnamese food. In the past I was pretty much a Thai and Chinese kinda guy, but switching over to these lower point foods has been a real saving grace to my diet, that and going vegetarian. If you don't think you can become vegetarian, you can always give up just dairy and beef. Cutting those two out would make a world of difference in your life (not to mention the environment and the suffering of innocent creatures). I had flirted with the idea of Vegetarianism and Veganism for a long time, but this time around I was ready for some major changes because I just wanted to work on my health in a way that I could avoid meds and the sorts of crazy things that meats can do to your body. My only meat thing that I still eat is shellfish, I left it in as what I think has been a good option for protein and accessibility when out with friends. It's a personal choice really, my wife eats Chicken and Turkey, but she gave the other stuff up. Go with what feels right to you. Maybe I will start sharing some more recipes here, maybe some of them will click with you and you can adapt them. It is great that you have a friend who is doing this with you and that your fiance is supporting you in this. I have so many friends who have fiances that sabotage them. I learned very early in this life change that there were people who didnt want me thin or healthy, people who thought my struggle wasn't that serious, and I found that it was such a hard step in this so far to push people out of my life who weren't prepared to be a part of me saving my life. My wife has lost 50 pounds so far, does Yoga 6-7 times a week, and I really credit the fact that she did this with me, to a lot of my success. You sound really focused and prepared this time for WW. That last part about being "Gentle to yourself," that was the hardest lesson for me so far. I have very high expectations and standards of myself, but they are also bound up in years of abuse and heartbreak, so being tough on me seemed like the only norm I thought was possible. I ranged from beating myself up for not being perfect, to beating myself up for being too much of a perfectionist. I had to learn that the process of this change, the interior aspects of it, if given room to take effect, would allow me to find a balance point of who I truly was (which was in constant conflict with the things I thought I had to be for others). Okay, this is getting long. I wish you the best work and strength in your lifestyle change. I am always here for you in your WW needs. If you're ever in Boston and want to catch an espresso, let me know. Sincerely-- D.

 
Things I've done lately:

-- Visited my grandparents in Connecticut
-- Discovered that even at age 90, with their memories fading, the meanness remains intact
-- Ate a Krispy Kreme glazed donut
-- Ate less food than I ever ate in New Haven, but still more than I would have liked
-- Stayed within my Weight Watcher's goals while in New Haven
-- Have bought 3 very different types of imported Italian Pasta
-- Started to think about hosting/writing a blog about Pasta
-- Bought my first size XL dress shirts in 9 years
-- Went blueberry and peach picking
-- Ghouled around the Yale British Art Center
-- Got a new Tripp NYC shirt at Hot Topic (boy has that place gone DOWN HILL)
-- Had a large grasshopper climb onto my window while driving down the road, and the little guy hung on and took the 5 mile ride with me, waited for me to get out of the laundry mat, and then road home with me before hopping off
--  Saw two female deer and two baby deer walk in front of our car as we were driving home
-- Gave away 4 moving boxes of Theology and Religion books (put them on the curb actually, someone took them right away)
-- Joined a gym for the first time in 16 years (time to step up my workouts--they have boxing equipment and heavy bags!)
-- Finished my Summer teaching (tomorrow night actually)
-- Have eaten Vietnamese cabbage salad for dinner two nights in a row
-- Begun work on two Fiction stories
-- Acquired a grey tie with red skull and bones all over it
-- In the spaces of my old ex-Religious books I have created (taken out of storage) a Vampire shelf and a German language & Lit shelf
-- Discovered the cutest little Gothic clothing store on Harvard Ave (just down from Stingray tattoo)
-- Wife made Vegan peach cobbler
-- Ended my World of Warcraft subscription in eager anticipation of Diablo III being released in October
-- Booked a room at the Hawthorne Hotel for my 40th Birfday on January 13th
-- Have become uber-psyched over all the new Vampire TV shows and movies coming out this Fall
-- Switched from a medium Cafe Mocha (soy) everyday to two double cappuccino (soy) during the day
-- Got mini movie posters of the original "Dracula" and "Creature From the Black Lagoon" for my writing area
-- Signed up for spoken German (Deutsch) classes at the Goethe Institute for this Fall
-- Bought the coolest handmade wallet from Fool's Mansion in Salem. It has a Chupacabra Food Pyramid on it.
-- Walked 8 miles in 90 degree heat today
-- Bought pickles from the pickle vendor at the Park T stop, found a shady place under a tree, ate the pickles while watching swans and ducks play in the frog pond
-- Realized that I am going through an 18 oz jar of Vietnamese Chili and Garlic sauce every two weeks (I put it on EVERYTHING!)
-- Have perfected Chocolate Walnut Black Bean Brownies
-- Began to see the first signs of Halloween candy and decorations in the stores
-- Devoured book after book on Gothic Literature and Literary Criticism
-- Been spending extra time petting and talking to my Kats